Rapture 2018: A Fish Named Doom

 

We’re jumping right in today because there’s not a lot of time left before we die and also because I want you to experience a thing that happened exactly as Husband experienced it.  You know, for a nice change of pace.

Christina Miller (Ellie on Cougar Town) proclaims "Change approved!"

 

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URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED

 

Quickly, because this is kind of urgent: am I required to wear actual clothes to a belated holiday/new year’s party?  I’ve got one last excuse to wear jingle bells and glitter coming up—because my friend Audrey totally gets me and is almost as bad at calendaring* as I am—and Husband and I were just discussing what I could reasonably get away with wearing.

 

light-up christmas tree hat with pom-pom ornaments

Obviously this hat is a must.

 

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Volumptuous Peeohple

 

I feel like this is the season for bonding, so I’m going to tell you an important step to going from Acquaintance, Person I Like, or Person Who Is Allowed to Buy Me Coffee to WE ARE FRIENDS NOW.

 

 

You gotta be willing to hate along with me.  And you’ve got to be on board with my reasons.

 

Mean Girls "you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong

 

Now, this is not a requirement for fans, so if your goal is to continue to read my blogs and have me love you to bits for reading the words that I blurt out into the ether, don’t stress this next bit. But if you want to actually sit next to me while I drink that coffee, or really just keep up with my in-person conversations?

 

Yeah, this is a thing.

 

This is how my friend Audrey learned the rule:

 

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Thoughts From The Shower

 

Technically, these are random thoughts from my morning bathroom trance.  But that sounded weird and gross and vaguely pervy in a bad way. 

 

creepy Bugs Bunny suited adult invites you to share his toilet seat

 

 

I’d go with Thoughts From the Bathtub (which Jenna Marbles already made famous, so half the work’s already done for me, right?) but I hate baths too much; they’re gross, and I can’t even pretend to enjoy soaking in mostly water.*

 

The 8 Stages of a Bath (getting gross)

 

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